Blessing 36
by ShayChambers
Summary: After a messy, painful breakup from Eli, Clare finds herself counting her blessings to combat the loneliness of the new school year. Jake is included in those blessings. Cake one shot with a good chunk of volatile Eclare.


**Clare's POV**

_Blessing #34: Adam survived the Prom shooting._

_Blessing #35: There hasn't been a fight in the house since the wedding._

_Blessing #36: Jake didn't-_

"Clare?"

My cheeks were pure crimson by the time I rolled onto my other side, facing the source of the startling voice.

"Hi," I rasped, staring like a deer in headlights. "I didn't know you were home…"

"Why are you in my bed?" He asked softly, an amused smirk etching onto his face that shot a pang of nostalgic hurt through my ribs.

"I…" I croaked out, trying desperately to formulate a reasonable enough excuse that wouldn't sound as lame as the reality. Blanking, I flicked my still-wide eyes to him, who met them, his forehead crinkled in anticipation, and the grin still on display. "Because everyone left…"

"My dad will be home in like an hour," he offered. The wrinkle over his eyebrows deepened, letting me know that my explanation only exacerbated his confusion and I sighed, knowing I would need to elaborate.

"No, not like that. I mean like, left. Alli is off saving the world, my Dad never even calls, Eli-" I stopped there, swallowing the taste of bile. I heard Jake sigh beside me and felt his weight join me on the bed. My bringing up Eli was always a red flag. Jake was one of the very few who knew that or more importantly why things ended between him and I, and it was rare I would utter his name lately. To anyone else, the distance was simply too much to handle, and we parted amicably after a long, heartfelt talk. The truth differed greatly from that, but I wasn't going to advertise how there was much more screaming than talking, and that the only thing my heart felt was splintering.

The distance _was_ hard, but we powered through it like we promised we would. Eli purposely going off his meds for a second time was a little less easy to power through. He hid it well enough until one night he called me by Julia's name. Though disturbed, I chalked it up to the stress he was under what with midterms, the co-op he had taken on, and numerous side projects, until he didn't seemed at all bothered by the mix up. His behavior that night scared me, especially since it was something I'd witnessed from him before, but I refused to let myself believe that he would put us both through something so risky after seeing the effects the first time around. And for a while, things were good again, we were the happy Eli and Clare we'd been before until the haze returned.

He said her name again, and it was like four years of his life vanished while I watched. Subconsciously I knew it was wrong to kiss him back, but I wanted so badly to bring him back, to remind him that I was there, Clare, the living girl he was supposed to love, but he didn't know her in that moment. He knew Julia, and the things he and Julia would do together that I still wasn't ready for, and I knew that it wasn't me, but her, that he was pushing, but it scared me, and scared me to be scared of him, and I suppose we both snapped that night.

I said things I shouldn't have; called him insane in a fit of frightened venom. He barely flinched until I managed to convince him that it was me he was in the room with and not his _dead, gone, buried _ex, to which he couldn't handle. Things were thrown; some at me, most at walls, all broken in a matter of seconds as my heart followed suit. I was propelled back to Grade Ten as I watched his world crumple by his own hands. And suddenly, I couldn't bring myself to regret the decision I had made in the hospital all those years ago. Because I couldn't help him. I couldn't cure him, or make him want the help I couldn't offer. And I couldn't stand idly by and watch him refuse those things.

So a little bolder than I probably had just cause for feeling, I stepped forward into his line of fire, which to my surprise, ceased as I neared him. He dropped the lamp in his hand, and it was almost as if he knew what was coming next. He said my name as he came out of the frenzy, and it sounded so pitiful that I swear my heart broke two times that night. But I had to be strong again, even selfishly so. I took the final few baby steps until our shoes touched, and wordlessly I leaned in, leaving a tentative and passionate kiss that I did not deepen, not meeting his eyes before I trudged over the ruins on the ground, out of the room and his life. Despite his countless attempts to contact me, we hadn't spoken since then, and it still hurt.

Jake sighed again, and I actually shook, having had forgotten his presence until that moment.

"You're thinking about it again," he said plainly, and there was no mistaking the sadness in his voice. "It's not gonna make it hurt any less."

I nodded, knowing he was right, but also that it was impossible to keep the memory out of mind forever, as much as I wish I could. Jake was the one that taught me about literally counting my blessings when things got hard; a coping mechanism he'd taught himself when he was younger, during his own parents' divorce. It almost always worked, but on days like this, I'd sometimes have to get into sixty or so blessings before things felt any better. I knew I was lucky to have so many things to be thankful for, but so often did it feel like the curses outweighed them, as much as I hated thinking that way.

"So you still didn't answer my question. Why were you in _my_ bed?" He asked again, scooting to the head of the mattress and laying back, hands behind his head, against the messy mound of his pillows I'd left.

"It smells like you," I muttered quickly, feeling my cheeks grow hot again under his stare. "I just like being reminded that you're still here." I grew increasingly uncomfortable by my admission, half expecting some weirded out recant, but instead he rolled his eyes, dropping one hand from his head and opening his arm to me invitingly. I was a little surprised by the unexpected gesture, but moved up to where he was sprawled out anyway, dipping under his arm and curling into a ball at his side. His arm curled around me loosely, and I instantly felt safe.

"I'm not goin' anywhere," he mumbled, resting his chin on the top of my head. I smiled at his sentiment, content to never move from this spot. I had come to accept Jake as the big brother figure in the past few months, even more so now that he was responsible for constantly saving me from my ruts and moods, but some days blurred the lines with us.

"So you've been smelling my pillows all day," he teased, his voice vibrating through my curls as his thumb absentmindedly smoothed over my side. I laughed, instinctively turning my face to hide in his chest out of embarrassment. It was easy for things to fall comfortably in line with Jake, even with our messy history. It was just that now; history, in the past and bridged over. His arm coiled a little tighter to accommodate the closer proximity we were sharing, and I swear I felt his lips touch my crown.

"Jokes aside though, even if I plan on holding it over you later, I meant what I said. I don't plan on leaving anytime soon, my family is here, you're here, and I have no desire to leave that behind. TU has a garden, anyway," he chuckled.

I felt him shrug, and I had to wonder why he made two entities out of family and me. Last I checked, I was still his sister, even if not by blood, and that constituted family to me. I wasn't offended though, I realized. I couldn't tell you what I felt at the revelation because I wasn't sure myself.

"You're gonna do better than him," he breezed, unprovoked, and my eyes crinkled against his shirt in a strange mix of confusion and realization. Without thinking, I pulled away from him, searching his eyes while mine were still skeptical.

"Jake?" I chimed quizzically, in the tiniest of voices. He only smiled, fleetingly, and retreated his arm from where I'd abandoned it, moving both over his stomach. I knew what would make me feel better than the thirty five blessings I'd counted to so far. Moving back over to him, one hand on his shoulder steadied me as I leaned in torturously slowly and pressed my lips to his, hesitant in case he rejected me.

He didn't, to my relief, instead molding his lips around mine just as cautiously, his hand finding my hip again. We kissed slowly, for a long few moments before curiosity got the best of me, and I opened my eyes, finding that he had done the same. I broke the kiss, laughing at the coincidence, and that treacherous blush resurfaced for the third time since he'd found me. He brushed his knuckles over the hue, not helping it fade, and we both grinned lamely before I wormed my way back under his arm where I stayed for a better part of the evening.

_Blessing #36: Jake didn't leave._


End file.
